Trust me. I have been there where you are and maybe I am worse than you on a certain day, even today. Empathizing with you has been possible because I can sense what you are going through which is possible only because I have lived experiences similar to yours, in essence. The nature of those experiences or the causes and effects of them could be different but the pain, agony and distress we go through remain the same.
Where I sit today, I sit with a tremendous realization that running away from life is the easiest thing for me to do while it wouldn’t solve the problem I am facing or rather the problem I am hiding my face from.
Rising is liberating. Those small steps you take each day to find life within yourself are uplifting. Rising an inch a day or even less, in some time, cumulatively raises you higher than you stood yesterday. But, then one fine day you fall back to the ground, get back to the same old thing, undoing all the hard work you put to get up and come till here. You somehow stand up again, are ready to take those steps again, this time more carefully, with more surety and caution. You end up reaching farther than before only because the previous fall(s) taught you how to rise.
However, suddenly one day you are back to square one, but with little effort and little hope you somehow start again, redoing the whole thing with more diligence. You have found ways to get around well with life. You probably feel far better about life at this point and see your past as a ladder to reach to this point. Alas, you encounter your fear of falling down right when you didn’t want to. This day has brought the worst breakdown of your system ever and you feel enough is enough!! Where is justice?! Where is that almighty?! What about the universal conspiracy?! You want to walk away from your life and from everything that life has surrounded you with. You want to hear none, see nothing. But this time, somehow, a ray of light finds your darkness on its own. There is no energy in you and so you let time take over, let things happen on their own accord, meanwhile, subconsciously there is a search for a push that can start you again, because at the core of you, you want to live, you want to rise, you know you have done it and you know you can do it, at that core!
Now, there is another rise, another climb and this climb will be the greatest, beyond your best till date, but with no guarantee that there will not be another fall. So just keep rising, slowly without caring about the fall. Some days you will move, other days you stand or sit without moving an inch but your system denies falling very easily as your experiences hold you well and steady.
You are much better today than any other day but don’t fear a fall. Just keep an understanding that when you rise the greatest the fall may be the deepest but all you care about is rising. And if ever you fall again, one more time you need to ask one thing of yourself, tell yourself this one thing. “Let me rise, rise one more time. Let me see how far I go this time. Let me see how bad I fall this time.” Life feels incredible at that moment.
Life is such an adventure. Just be there and enjoy the ride. Life is wonderful. Trust me.