When you hurt someone you are causing that person pain. Isn’t it? Pain has two forms according to me: Physical and Psychological. I remember how I fought with my brothers during my childhood days. We used to man-handle each other for silly things until one of us cried out loud or bled or our parents would intervene. I remember those years as the time when I inflicted physical pain. At the same time, I think we were more of a headache to each other so I wouldn’t say that we were psychologically painful to each other. I consider the psychological pain a more chronic one and headaches are, in that way, very temporary. Another reason why I confidently say that we were merely headaches to each other and not psychologically painful is that we mended as soon as those short headaches passed away. We have mended a million times. We mend immediately even today. There are no hard feelings, of that time or of today, hardwired into each other that are a barrier to connecting with each other. ‘Those fights’ was our innocence of our times. Most of them were and the one’s that weren’t of the innocent nature I am happy that none of us recall them or best that none of them hold us away from the other.
Over the years, I think, when the freedom to man-handle (anyone) and cause physical pain has been lost to the growing years and its associated expectation of a ‘show of maturity’ on one’s part, what maturity provides as a tool is infliction of psychological pain. After all, when the avenue for a certain expression – read man-handle/physical assault – is taken away from you, what is one left with? Just the intellectual means to cause pain? How do I get back at someone who just beat me at something/anything? For instance, it could be your parents denying you something, your siblings not according with you or friends taking you for granted etc. You want to get back at them and sometimes you end up getting back at them in the most obnoxious ways. Ways you may question later or be apologetic about or not be on most occasions. I do want to go into my necessity of causing that pain and I wish to share it with you.
I have inflicted psychological pain upon others. The chronic version of pain! Yes I have. Over the years I have inflicted it upon my family members, my relatives, my friends, people I have merely been acquainted with or strangers and also upon my ownself. It may be pointed here that not always is one the intentional causer of another’s pain and that sometimes one may inadvertently become a cause. I agree. I do not want to dwell upon the latter because I am sure about being an active causer at some times at least.
What would have caused me to inflict pain upon my people and me? I have had a tough time over some years now in understanding my actions. I have seen that my actions on certain occasions are acted out independent of the audience so it has mattered little if the people were my people or strangers or me. The real cause is my ego. My ego, which is my image of myself or an image that I ought to be or I have set out to become. I have always tried to live up to that image. Anything that hasn’t fit into it or anyone who’s tried to shatter it, I have reacted with venom. It is obvious that the venom is ought to be poisonous causing psychological pain to the one’s at the receiving end.
I think the ego I had nurtured all these years is part of the surroundings that I have lived in or brought up in. I am not, even nearly, trying to blame anyone except myself for nourishing it, but, the fact is that knowingly or unknowingly the pieces of the jig-saw image have been chosen by me or imposed upon me from all that has influenced me over these years. It is today, that I am able to see the image in the mirror of my relationships.
There is a tremendous trial within for the difficulty I might have caused you, others and myself. I don’t know how the past sufferings could be abridged but there would be a genuine effort towards being better and not causing further pain. I can assure that. I find it worthwhile to seek forgiveness for the actions that have caused pain and suffering to you and others, and, at the same time I find it equally necessary to forgive all for the pain I have been caused, so that it is clear that I hold nothing against anyone inside my heart. This I do with the truest of my feelings with a resolution that from here on, I will rise above my behavior of the past and be more aware of what I offer with every action of mine. But, to this day, I forgive and seek forgiveness with a hope that I would be forgiven.
Sun Sand Sea Sandeep 