If I don’t find my way

The structure of my mind,
Is so patterned,
That I repeat myself,
Habitually, tediously,
Boringly, tiredly.
My present justifies
That, so clearly.

Life has replicated my mind,
Millennia after millennia,
Life after life,
The years, days,
Hours, minutes, seconds
That I have survived
Are but shadows
Of my past.
Each moment I have ardently,
Practiced my past.
Perfected it.
Being unconscious, automatic,
I have had no clue,
About the things I did,
Which always seem
To be new.
But, it dawns upon me,
How could that be true,
That anything of the past
Could be fresh or new?
How could that be true,
When it’s the conditioned
Mind, that I am living through.

I feel choked,
I want to tear
And move out of this skin,
Run away from this mind,
Its bondage, its everyday saga,
Its manipulation, facade,
Its incessant defense,
Violence and exploitation,
Whose primary victim,
Is my self and then
Everyone and everything
around me.

Am I alone
That feels like me?
What about my race,
The entire human species?
Have we all added
To the other’s misery?
But, what right do I have,
To ask this question?

Is my mind mine alone?
Is my conditioning my own?
Are my experiences exclusive?
Oh, I am a slave
Of my imperialistic mind,
But, my slavery is my inheritance,
Passed on to me,
By humanity,
It is innate,
Ancestral, generational.
I sustain it by
Serving my petty pleasures,
Conducting measly measures.
They breed, feed
Nourish and nurture me.
That is how I have lived,
And, if I don’t find my way out,
Then I feel I am ready,
To not only burn myself each day,
Till the end of this life,
But, ready with this foundation
For my pedigree,
For my lives,
For millenniums to come,
And reproduce my mind,
In it’s entirety.

Find yourself

17 thoughts on “If I don’t find my way

  1. After having read this several times, Sandeep, I still find I can only blink with amazed concurrence, shake my head subtly and say the most inane thing: that being “WOW”, although I shall certainly continue to muse upon these thoughts. Therefore, by sharing yours, which you seem to deign arbitrary or mundane, you do in point of fact, Inspire and Change. ..which may in turn, perhaps, give you cause to think on these things once more


    • Hey Morgan. Feels good when some one connects with your thoughts the way you seem to do. The whole idea is to bring that qualitative change in the thinking process. To understand oneself, primarily, and, that enables you to understand everyone around you. I declare that my effort in that direction shall remain always. It is a sweet feeling if people begin to join hands. The idea of joining hands to change ourselves can not just transform each one of us, but our society.

      Hmmm..But, could you help me understand “deign arbitrary or mundane” part of your response. May be, I owe some clarification.


      • Some of the verses of your poem made me think you thought of your day to day life or those things you do that are seemingly trivial as unimportant, but since we never know how we might inspire of touch another life I was saying that perhaps nothing is arbitrary (pointless). What do you think?


      • I would clarify here. I have been specific about the mind that is defensive, violent, exploitative etc. So everything that comes out from that mind is bound to bring unhappiness to oneself and the people around and very instantly. So, if I don’t find my way out then I not only ruin my life but the lives of my pedigree. If there is life after life, even that is dependent on this state of my mind.

        I respect every thing that has taken place in my life. Making peace with the past is like accepting yourself as you are. Also, the past makes me who I am today. But, most of my past has been created unconsciously. There is no point in condemning what has been done, but, looking forward to live with awareness. That’s it.

        If you make a note, I haven’t condemned anything, I am only talking about a pain because of the mind, and it’s effect on the human ecosystem, if I don’t do anything about it. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • I am happy you expanded on your original thought, because now I understand much better. I am what I think of as a Harmonizer (though I may have made up the word to suit myself). I like to think that everything I do does serve some purpose, although I may not be aware of it, and if it is in some way negative (of which there is plenty) it may ultimately come back round to face me and change the way I think. Maybe this is what you are saying also.

        Sorry if I am overthinking , but I do love to discuss the depths of a poem, the heart and mind and spirit that gave birth to the words, so to know them better and, thus, comprehend the poets writing more vividly when I read them again. I hope you do not mind?


  2. I do not mind it at all. After writing a poem like this I cannot be hesitant in being open. In fact, the poem’s genesis is from the idea of being open about myself.

    There are two ways of harmonizing. One I think is real harmonizing and the other which seems like harmonizing but isn’t that in the true sense.

    For instance, you know what you have to do and on doing it the outcome isn’t favorable to you but you actively take it into your stride, I call this real harmonizing. The other is, when you know what you have to do, but, you choose not to do, and, say, you casually do, for the sake of doing,and, then, because you are left with no choice, you passively accept the outcome. This is not harmonizing in the true sense.

    Most of the times, I have passively accepted the outcomes, in the past, I mean. The reason is that I have not been conscious of my actions. And, when you are not conscious of your actions, you obviously aren’t even aware that you are acting out of a very dull state of mind. (The mind, is a warehouse of the evils, as mentioned in the poem – Violence, pretense, exploitation etc.) But, you are always under the illusory impression that you are in control of the things. Your mind keeps justifying your actions because you don’t know how to act other that the way the mind is patterned. Also, because everyone around you is acting in just the same logical way, as you are. But, you have never wanted to look beyond the way you behave and act.

    But, the moment you are aware of the nature of your mind, I feel, that is when you can observe every single action acted out closely. That is when you are sure of your actions and within the scope of your being you don’t leave any action to chance. From that state of mind, you are clear that if you act out of any evil you will harm yourself and your surrounding. Even though the situation looks precarious and there is the urge to do a little wrong, make exceptions, act out of the old evil state of your mind, you will choose not to. And, then, what ever outcome arises, you humbly accept harmonizing yourself with what life has to offer.

    The ways of our trained mind are very very wily. It finds an explanation, excellent explanation for anything that you do. Unless you are very careful, it will drive you away as it wants. As I mentioned, it is an imperialistic mind. One of the things you mention is that you want to believe that everything that you do will serve some purpose, that is one such phrase your mind is clinging to, making you believe in. Do verify and question before you do something to test the truth, if it is going to serve a purpose. Because, this phrase now gives your mind the liberty to act without scrutiny. I don’t know if I am making myself clear.

    I hope you have more insight into what I had to say.


    • Sorry it took me a while to respond to this, WP isn’t sending out notifications as they should, so I just found your reply to mine.

      You are making yourself clear, and I appreciate what you are saying. I do like talking about these things, which most of us walk about oblivious to, because I believe it makes us more aware. Understanding an alternate perspective guides my own understanding and perspective and allows me to be more aware. I think you are quite right, we do very often do things out of habit or because we think it never hurt us before therefore we can do it again. the alternative, to make a different choice and go along a different path is frightening to most, (at least, I think) and it is that fear that keeps us walking along the way we always have been. Back to Fear again, I suppose.

      But what happens when you question your perceptions and you discover something unexpected. Now you are faced with having to make a choice, one that fear or faith, strength or weakness will try to sway. How do you condition your imperialistic, fearful mind to Trust what you have discovered enough to move in a new direction?

      Liked by 1 person

      • That last question of yours is the one which needs an answer from within. While the inner-you has already understood what the truth is, and, now, may be, has suddenly become fearful of something, and, at the moment, when it thinks, ‘no, I am not doing this for the fear of that…let me get back to the easier thing, that which I have always done..’, that is it, it has convinced you to fall back to your past. And, most often than not, you will end up repeating the past.

        You had a chance to work with the truth. Sometimes, you use faith and go on to deal with fear to do what is right, but, that doesn’t take away fear from the background.

        I have tried to put your question into the context now:”How do you condition your imperialistic, fearful mind to Trust what you have discovered enough to move in a new direction?”

        I am still searching for an answer, because, I often fall back to the past, not only out of fear, but, out of pleasure of doing things that I did, out of the certainty about how to deal with things and the comfort from the certainty which an uncertainty takes away.

        I think, if you see there, there is fear and fear alone. The fear of losing pleasure, the fear of dealing with uncertainty that could expose my hollowness etc. The fear of losing your identity, the fear of your images breaking away, that which you have created in your mind and the minds of other people, the fear of un-becoming.. These are the base fears, if you look closely at the fears that you have. You can question any fear, and, you will realize Morgan, that we are dealing with a different fear at the sub-conscious.

        Now, the only answer to your question, that I can see, that to overcome the conditioning of your imperialistic mind, fearful mind and become more trusting of the new direction you have discovered and want to move in, is are you willing to let-go of you past? Courageous to allow those illusory images to be shattered? Can you take the fact that people will perceive you differently now, may be question you about the changes you are willing to take up. Because unless you are willing to do that, the base fears will never leave you and your surface fears will ever remain. It is obvious then, that you want to cling to a faith and the cycle can never be broken. This is my understanding Morgan. When I speak to you about these, I only wish you muse them in detail, apply it and only then accept or reject.


      • Yes, rhetorical! But, you are part of the whole and so the question is equally applicable to you as to me, if one sees from my point of view.. ;). Please do not take me seriously but do think of what I say seriously, each one of us is free to take or leave what the other provides us with.. Yes, the same “frequency” :).

        Liked by 1 person

      • Do Trust me, I am still thinking on it. I truly enjoy “stretching” my thoughts by considering those things I typically might ignore or overlook, which is why I continue our conversations because I find them so intriguing and of great value.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I trust you Morgan. I also understand the value we both have given to the things we discuss and it is only then our conversation has been as sustainable as it has been till this time. This place is turning out to be a fascinating place. Wouldn’t have thought a few months back that I would be so engaged here and discuss all that I have been with anyone.


      • I have connected with many painters of words in my three years among the blogs of WP and have had many an intriguing conversation, but typically they have been about words. (which of course I love) Yet, I find our conversation(s) so compelling, because of their many levels, and do hope we may continue to share and Inspire each other, as well as give each other things to muse over.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. How beautifully you’ve delved into the subtleties of the mind…
    Read a couple of times, shall ruminate further upon it..
    These are questions we need to ponder upon….
    We need to watch our thoughts carefully
    For our thoughts and actions are unconscious, automatic, patterned
    We almost act like robots..
    Yes, It’s all MIND !!
    Tabhi they say, mann hi maaya hai, mann hi sansar hai.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Aunty, good to read from you :).

      “Mann hi maaya hai, mann hi sansar hai”, par kya mann sahi mayiney mein hai bhi? Kya mann ka hona zaroori hai mere thoughts aur mere actions ke liye. Kya maine mann/mind ko bina soche samjhe iss liye maan liya kyun ki mere aas-pass sab kehete hain ki ‘mann hi maaya hai’. Iss tark ka koi nishkarsh nahi nikala mere liye, ab toh ‘mann hai ya nahi, maaya hai ya nahi’ isski khoj mein koi utsaah nahi raha. Kabhi kabhi lagta hai “mann” toh ek generalization hai mere annginat thoughts aur actions ka. Kisi ko laga hoga ki har cheez ka ek source toh hona hi hai. Isliye ussey mann/mind keh do.

      Ab lagta hai ki mann ho ya na ho, par mere thoughts or actions ko jaise hona hai woh hote jaa rahe hain. Kaise ho raha aur kyun ho raha hai, iska jawab dhoondhna toh bhatak jana hai. Ache, bhale, burey thought aur actions, isski bhi parwah nahi ho rahi. Ab toh inko judge karne ki icchha bhi kaheen lupt ho gayi hai. Ab toh jaise inse dosti karli hai. Apne swabhav ko dene wale ka prasad samajh liya. Aur ye sab jabse hua hai, ek safai ho gayi ho.

      Ab sab shabd reh gaye hain. Istemaal bhi ho rahe hai. Main bhi mann/mind use karta hoon par bolte samay bheetar ek samajh hai ki ye toh kuch hai nahi. Par baat-cheet ke liye istemaal ho rahe hain.


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